I want to go back to the nights where I wasn’t crying every night
I have been calm for far too long.
I am always the anchor, the healer, the listener, the warmth until now. I am turning into a manic due to the neglect I’ve given myself to keep others warm. I received no clarity, to thoughts, nor compassion for my emotions. If I do not remain calm, I am the villain. If I am unable to attend to your wounds, I am a disappointment. It wasn’t until these past few days, where I put my hands on my head and felt the eruption of my heart. Realizing I, too, deserve peace.
But sometimes for peace, you need to release the animosity. As I screamed upon my pillow and fisted my fist, I felt my spirit weep. In splits moments, I wanted to seek retribution. For once, I was not a calm, warm, compassionate, understanding soul. I was angry and hurt. I felt replaced, forgotten, and used. I wanted to tear apart my skin, wishing I could howl with the moon, and wake up with blood from my enemies. If only I could become heartless, then maybe I’d be okay at being selfish without feeling guilty.
I am undeniably sobbing, licking my wounds, realizing as hard as I try to be the werewolf, I am only the monster who avenged for love.
And as the Green giant hoped for peace, I too hope one day the sorrows of love will be worth it. Till then, I will be at the top of a Windmill, looking down at the pitchforks.
After all, in the end, I am nothing more than the monster with a broken heart.
Today, I wrestled with maniac thoughts wondering why Love continually feels to be touched by unclean hands. I always embraced Love openly, poetically, yet strategically as if everyone was each a star, colliding together. But if Love was more significant than the stars, I envisioned us to love like the moon. A moon that still shined bright every night, regardless of the number of craters and volcanic plains it has. But if Love was more abundant than the moon and stars, I pictured Love to be where it all began.
I hear Love every morning, by the sounds of birds chirping. I see Love every day, when newly planted flowers, blooms, and dances with the wind. I breathe Love in, with wet pavement after a rainstorm. All this time, I felt unclean by hands who made Love feel insignificant when that never was Love at all. Instead, I saw my reflection in a lake, and at that moment, I let Love consume me, the same way the sun needs the moon, and the stars need the sky. I realized just as the Earth is solely one planet; I am too single-handily me. I am Love because as long as my heart is beating, my life is vast with endless possibilities.
I let go of the hands that felt like sandpaper and began to love myself, starting with everything I hated about myself. You see, all this time, I thought Love only was felt by people, blinded folded by the media portray of finding true Love. Instead, I realized all the Love I need is continuously surrounding me. It was in these brief moments of tears when I collapsed into a field of grass and felt alive for the very first time.
Now that’s where it all begins. It begins with you.
I’m spilling over
With incomplete sentences
Of a heart filled with bullet-holes
I thought I had crossed my T’s
And dotted my I’s
Till I went to bed broken
Unable to wake up brand new
I want to be able to say
We are going to get through all of this
That I can’t sleep
without you by my side
Yet here I am
Being a villain in my own monologue
I had cried that night wanting compassion
I woke up someone different
I hallowed out the eyes
Caused Corrosion in my veins
I skimmed the fat
Of clogged hearts
Hoping to digest a love
Instead of being drowned
By the pesticides of our generation
I filled my mind
Of how I tasted Love
Till It burned my mind
But I come undone
soaked blood sheets
Of hundreds of hearts
Washed up onto my pillowcases
Despite feeling numb
Every time Love
Touches my lips
My mouth burns
realizing I believed in love
Meant for another life
it all comes undone
Eventually everyone settles over dead hearts
In this smoke filled room
I made some Halloween Berries 🎃🍓
I need to stop making an effort for wrists that never type my name on their phone.
My heart is so big
That I have a pile of
People’s broken hearts on my doorstep
Waiting to be heard
Waiting to be stitched
Waiting to be healed
The problem is
When do I have the time to heal mine?
Thank you for walking out of my life.. ✌🏼
Since you’ve been gone
I’ve had opportunities
Open from the door you’ve closed
I moved the time
I focused on you
So thank you
For reminding me
I am a lot stronger than I think..
Reminded me I’m still capable of
Healing from tough situations
I’ve heard your cries
Of you wanting more
Than what life has given you
But you’re Searching for harmony
With a mindset full of doubts and agony
Unable to recongize
The power of healing
Comes from the mind
Choosing hope rather than suffering
Choosing strength rather than loss
Choosing to believe You are never too old nor too late
To create a beautiful life